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Awareness
Welcome to the Awareness pages. In this area, the focus is on creating awareness to the fact that men are impacted by abortion. For too long, it has been considered as only a women's issue. But as you will see, or may be experiencing, that is not the truth. For every woman affected by abortion, there is also a man; both equal parents to the aborted child. Extensive research has been conducted to understand the physical and emotional effects of abortion on women. Yet all we know about the impact on men is by the testimonies of those who have experienced an abortion and a few studies.
Many men feel they can not openly express their emotions, and for that reason, they suppress them allowing them to fester and eat away at their very core. They can become angry, bitter, depressed, resentful, untrusting and even reckless in their behaviors. Some men may not even be aware that their emotions are a direct result of an abortion experience. They may be in denial about their experience, attempt to intellectualize their feelings, project their emotions towards others, or withdraw from social interaction as much as possible. Our culture has an expectation that men should be strong and courageous. Any show of emotion could expose them as being weak and cowardly. It's this expectation that causes many men to hide their true emotions and pretend that everything is fine. Yet deep inside they're hurting, causing their relationships, families, jobs and responsibilities to suffer. It's a pattern all too common in post-abortion fathers.
Your Role
If you are a man who has had an abortion experience, you most likely will fit into one of the following six roles:
- You and your partner agreed to the abortion. You may have supported her by taking her to the clinic and/or paying for the procedure.
- You pressured your partner to get the abortion. You may have threatened to leave her if she didn't.
- You abandoned your partner to avoid the decision all together.
- You passively left the decision up to your partner. You may have been confused about what to do, or you felt it was entirely her choice.
- You wanted your child but were unsuccessful in preventing the abortion. You may have offered any means to support her and/or the child.
- You didn't even know about the pregnancy and/or the abortion until after it was done.
Whatever your role was, the end result is the same. Your role as a parent was prematurely cut short. Men have a natural instinct to provide for and protect their families. For many men, this instinct kicks in as soon as fatherhood is realized. For others, it takes a little bit longer. Regardless, an abortion prevents that instinct from being exercised. This in turn can leave men feeling empty, powerless, defeated, helpless, confused and without purpose. Thoughts of what-could-have-been can haunt them constantly.
Symptoms and Behaviors
Many people now recognize the fact that many women may suffer from Post-Abortion Syndrome/Stress (PAS) either immediately after the abortion or later on in life. But few will acknowledge that men may also suffer from similar symptoms. Below is a partial list of emotions and behaviors that you may be experiencing. There are too many to list, but these are the most common:
| Symptoms | Behaviors |
|---|---|
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| * Depending on the severity of these behaviors, you may need immediate intervention and assistance from a licensed therapist or counselor before you harm yourself or someone else. If you find yourself in a desperate and/or dangerous situation, you should immediately contact 9-1-1. | |
As a post-abortion father, you will probably find that you are suffering from more than just one or two of these symptoms. Many go hand-in-hand with each other and certain emotions will lead to specific behaviors. The first step towards healing is to acknowledge the possibility that your abortion experience may be the cause of your symptoms/problems.
There is Hope!
Although you may be at a point where everything seems hopeless, there actually is hope. You can heal. You can regain your life and find purpose and meaning. It's not easy, it takes a lot of work, and you can't do it alone. First, you must realize that it is completely normal, acceptable and healthy to mourn the loss of your child. Validate your pain and grieve rather than suppress it. Know that your pain will fade as you continue to heal. Remember that you are not alone. Find a post-abortion support group so you can hear other people's experiences. This will in turn inspire you to share your experience with those who will listen and understand. The hardest part is learning how to forgive others that were involved. Recognize that they may have been misled or misinformed. Accept your role in the decision, whatever it was, and learn how to forgive yourself. Finally, acknowledge your child as an actual member of your family. Giving your child a name and creating a memorial in his or her honor can help you find closure and bring peace and restoration to your life. From the moment your child was conceived, you created new life. Even though your child was never born, you will always be a father forever.
What's the Next Step?
There are several avenues you can take. First of all, you should realize your courage for seeking help. You've taken the first step towards healing. In no particular order, you should find a good healing program. We highly recommend Rachel's Vineyard weekend retreats. To find the next retreat in your area, visit the Rachel's Vineyard web site. Check out our Suggested Books article for 4 great books about men and abortion. Read true Stories from other guys who have been through this experience and found healing. This can be one of the best forms of inspiration. Finally, if you need to talk to someone, visit the Healing Network to see if there's someone in your area who can help.
It is our sincerest hope that you find the information on this site helpful and inspiring. May you find hope and healing and start to live your life whole again.
Sincerely,
The FFF Staff