My freshman year in college
I became a father in 1984 at the age of 19. I met the mother during my freshmen year in college. When the spring semester ended, we went back to our hometowns. She lived on the other side of the state from me. We kept our relationship going by talking on the phone. One evening towards the end of July, she called and informed me that she was pregnant. I was scared but also excited. She told me she wanted an abortion. At first I was against it, but she convinced me it was the right thing to do. I sent her some money to pay for it.
A month later we were back in school and our relationship fell apart. In fact, I didn't speak to her again for a couple of years.
My behavior took a nose dive. I barely maintained good enough grades to keep from being kicked out of school. I was very reckless and I drank alot. I experimented with drugs too. I don't recall ever really wanting to kill myself, but I put myself in numerous life threatening situations. My life was empty and I got by on alcohol and the "rush" of my near death experiences. I was in constant trouble in college and even had a few encounters with the police.
At the time, I didn't know I was walking this path of self destruction because of the abortion. Things just didn't seem right and I couldn't put my finger on it.
I barely graduated from college and I spent the next several years in one bad relationship after another. I even lost a couple of good jobs due to alcohol and my risk taking life style.
It took me half my life to come to grips with my abortion experience. (I was 39 when I finally figured out the cause of my self destructive life style.) I participated in a BIBLE based recovery program and I know that God has forgiven me, but I just don't feel forgiven.
Every day is a struggle for me.
