True Story #5

Posted 02.24.2007

This is not about me, but rather the consequences of 30 years of pain. Take this for what it is worth. I am not sure if this is self-healing or simply and epitaph.

I killed two children in 1977... less than 6 months apart because I did not allow my sense of values to assure an innocent life could flourish. Instead, I allowed pragmatism to devoid me of anything for decades to come, perhaps my eventual everlasting life.

I loved my first wife as most do. We were engaged to be married later that year. Not understanding the virility of a young man and woman, our passion progressed to the point of a child being conceived. Once determined, I was secretly elated. In fact, I told my military chief of our expectancy and he had me consult with our Admiral (Washington, DC).

My life changed forever.

He told me the Military frowned on out-of-wedlock children and suggested an abortion would be appropriate.

This was contrary to my Catholic upbringing. My parents had children into their forties, post Roe-v-Wade and explicitly discussed with us the merit of having the blessing of a child regardless of the financial and social ramifications.

My fiancé agreed with the Admiral, not in a callous way, but rather in submission. How could she present to her upper middle class sectarian parents such an irresponsible behavior? So I conceded and supported her. After all, according to the abortion counselors, this was not a viable child - yet only a fetus.

While my fiancé cried in anguish pre-abortion and during, I vividly remember walking the streets of the Nation's capital and wondering how such a decision could be legal. I cried out loud as I walked downtown Washington, DC. We were killing a child, albeit legally, forever illegal in His mind.

We recreated this sin six months later. While sitting in the waiting room, one of the women whom I worked with at a pizza restaurant was having an abortion as well. She was matter of fact. My fiancé was having an abortion while we were consoling each other in the waiting room. I wasn't buying the message, however. I was a stranger in this new world and did not have anyone to reach out to, and 30 years later, this is the first missive I have ever written. Trust me, much emotion and details are missing.

I married my fiancé. I convinced her to have a child, which would be her only one. We divorced several years later as I was and still to this day am an angry man for reasons I cannot explain (sure I had a physically abusive Dad, but years later I came to understand he loved me, he just did not have the education or the outlet to get help).

I am a murderer. No matter what all the websites and the Word I base my life upon states, this is an unforgivable sin. A transgression that equates to genocide. Murders due to convenience. To assure social embarrassment would not prevail. I am not writing this missive as a sense of self healing, but rather to those who hurt as well. Perhaps there is hope, even in this world, if one will stop an abortion.

I have since remarried. We have three children plus my oldest son who has no idea that I killed his siblings from my first marriage. I am torn to tell him of my transgressions, but have withheld such an action, as it would benefit no one but myself. My fear is he will repeat the sins of his father.

My wife and I have been married for 23 years. We came to Christ beyond our Catholic faith, and espouse no religious preference today, other than those that profess the Bible as the source of truth. But all is not well. I am inexplicably angry. I am motivated to succeed in my workplace/career, but that frankly is my sole source of success. I am not sure, but perhaps not forgiving myself of my past, is surely a factor. But, I just don't understand how killing unborn, innocent children can ever be forgiven. I cannot forgive myself even as a Christian for the past 20 years.

I justify terminating my own life because if there is NOT a God of grace and forgiveness, then my anguish simply dissipates and my selfishness goes to the grave with me. Assuming a God of salvation, I have decidedly determined that my sin is not addressed explicitly in the Word, and I am doomed never to realize eternity. I have this peculiar relationship with Jesus: He is the almighty, and I hope he knows that my blessings are attributed to Him, but my past transgressions of killing unborn children are beyond repair and I gracefully accept my eternal punishment. This seems to have prevented my growth in my Christian faith and what do I have to gain?

Regardless, I am not sure if I should reach out to let my former wife whom we had these abortions when she was my fiancé, know this was as much my fault and I have suffered for 30 years and will likely be one of my final thoughts when I pass on. I am not sure what that will accomplish. Will I hurt her even more by bringing this up? Will this hurt my current relationship which is tarnished by such a past guilt? Or perhaps the more pragmatic answer is this: too bad, you made your bed, you will have to deal with it, and there is nothing anyone, anything or any process on this earth that will help.

If the latter is true, which I assume is the case, then I want people to hear my anguish. I want men and women to stop killing unborn children as so many lives are affected, perhaps for eternity. I want other men to know if they have an ounce of conscience, they will suffer directly or indirectly until the day they die. Forgiveness is only given by our Lord. We cannot comprehend this concept. Kill a baby and you will suffer in this world and the direct issues that come about (anger, depression, sense of worthlessness, etc) will abound.

My assumption is there are millions of men just like me who live in secret closets with no outlet. We bring devastation to lives for years to come with no explanation. We just continue to self destruct slowly. I can attest that after 20 plus years as a person who loves and adores Jesus Christ, our Lord and Father, I believe that I have committed an unforgivable sin and I accept my inevitable end.

My hope is to save others behind me.

Commentary

Typically, we don't provide commentary on these stories, but we felt in this case there were a few things that needed to be said. It's obvious that he has a great deal of pain and guilt over this, which is completely normal, that he has been burdened with for many years. But it's important for anyone to know that this sin, which he feels is unforgivable, actually IS forgivable. If one truly believes in the Word, then here is the Written proof:

He said he is a murderer. So was Moses. He killed an Egyptian for beating a Jew and buried him in the sand. That's why he fled Egypt. Yet God saw fit to call on Moses to free the Israelites from over 400 years of slavery. Moses constantly argued with God that he was not worthy, but God provided for him always. In James, chapter 2, verses 10-11, Jesus' half-bother James tells his people that "The person who keeps all of [God's] laws except one is as guilty as the person who has broken all of God's laws. For the same God who said 'Do not commit adultery' also said 'Do not murder'. So if you murder someone, you have broken the entire law, even if you do not commit adultery." What James is saying here is that there is not one sin greater than another. Whether you commit one sin, or every sin possible, you are still a sinner. And that's where Jesus comes in. He came to remove our sins.

In Luke, chapter 7, verses 36-50, Jesus was anointed with oil from a known woman of sin. When the Pharisees questioned Jesus how he could allow this, he told them "I tell you, her sins-and they are many-have been forgiven, for she has shown me much love." He then told the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." Notice he didn't care what her sins were, nor that she had committed many sins. It was her faith and love for Christ that saved her.

In 1 Timothy, chapter 1, verses 12-14, Paul writes "How thankful I am to Christ Jesus our Lord for considering me trustworthy and appointing me to serve him, even though I used to scoff at the name of Christ. I hunted down his people, harming them in every way I could. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief." And in Acts, chapter 14, verses 38-39, he said "Brother, listen! In this man Jesus there is forgiveness for your sins. Everyone who believes in him is freed from ALL guilt and declared right with God..." Keep in mind that Paul, formerly Saul, used to hunt down the early Christians and hand them over for imprisonment before his conversion. He admitted that he committed these sins out of ignorance, which is why so many people get abortions - they just don't know the truth or understand the consequences. Basically Paul's message was that we are all saved entirely by God... not by anything we can do ourselves. Saving faith is the gift of total, free, personal and loving commitment to Christ... that ALL our sins are removed.

Just because the Bible does not explicitly address abortion, it does not mean it is unforgivable. There are so many individual sins that the Bible would not be able to address all of them. But Jesus himself assured us in Matthew 12:31, Mark 4:28-29 and Luke 12:10 that "Every sin or blasphemy can be forgiven-except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, which can never be forgiven." Every sin would include murder.

In order for you to heal, you must first accept God's forgiveness. "But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from EVERY wrong." - 1 John 1:9. Once we accept God’s forgiveness, we can then begin to forgive ourselves and others who have hurt us. This can be the most difficult part of the healing process. Jesus then promises us peace when he "said 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'" - Matthew 11:28.

The author is absolutely correct when he assumed there must be millions of other men out there suffering in silence. If you are reading this and feel like you are alone, remember that you are NOT alone. You don’t have to be silent anymore. Remember, "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4. Please Contact Us if you would like to learn more about the healing process.

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