True Story #11

Posted 03.27.2008

I really don't want this to be drawn out in a long book. My desire is to make sure my child is never forgotten.

My girlfriend of 4-1/2 years became pregnant with our second child this past October. She gave me an ultimatum, that I either marry her, or she will abort the child. She said she did not want to do this alone, and that childcare and being away from her job would be too much. I felt like I was backed into a corner, because I was recently divorced, and did not want to marry again so soon. As the months went by, I felt I had to be honest with her, and let her know I could not marry right now. I did this in January, and let her know, I didn't intend on marrying her. I reassurred her I would be there for her, and the baby, like I had been for our other daughter.

In Feburary, we had a fight, and I moved out on a Thursday. A week later I got a voicemail from her, saying there was a problem with the baby. I talked with her on the phone, and she said she had a miscarriage. I was devestated. The pregnancy was in it's 4th month, and the ultra sound we had a few weeks prior showed the baby as being perfectly healthy. I asked God, "why am I being punished?" I went through a few days blaming and asking God, why he let this happen. I felt drawn to comfort her for her pain of the loss of the baby. During all of this, the fact of the miscarriage still didn't make sense to me, and I had a gut feeling that something else happened.

So a week later, after she and I were starting to put our lives back together, she admitted to me that she had an abortion. She said she had panicked while I was gone, and she went through the abortion because she didn't want to raise this baby alone, or pay for extra childcare, or deal with the embarressment of her friends and family. The sad thing is that everyone knew she was pregnant and she told everyone she had a miscarriage. She got cards and flowers, wishing her to get well, even though she had lied to everyone as to the real reason how the baby was gone.

After she admitted to me what she had done, I was thankful that God did not punish me, but I also went into a state of denial. I started to blame myself for what she did. I kept telling myself, it was my fault that she did what she did. I am to blame for what she did. This lasted a few days, and then the denial changed to anger and hate. I realized that it was not my fault this person did this. I was hurt, felt inadequite as a man and father, could not look at a pregnant woman, hated seeing a baby. All I could think about was my innocent baby that was ripped apart due to selfishness.

My girlfriend has no remorse and feels justified in the desicion she made. I am hurting and she is walking around like nothing has happened. I know that God will judge her someday, but I feel like I can't wait for that judgement. My baby needs justice now! I want her to feel the pain I am feeling now. So I decided to get back with her, and I lied, and said I forgave her for what she had done. The reason for this is because I am trying to find a way to make her pay for what she has done.

Right now I am going through asking myself, "do two wrongs make a right?" I want revenge and I want her to hurt. If I walked away from her now, she would not care about what she has done to me, or my baby. So we are planning to get married soon. My plan is to pull the plug at the alter. To tell her face-to-face in front of all her friends and family what I think of her, and that I could never be with someone like her. The stage is set. Everything is running it's course correctly. This could be the outcome, but my consience, "God", has been speaking to me. I have the sense that I do not need to go to this extreme to find justice for my baby, and myself. Do I have enough faith to know that God will deal with her in his own way? She shows no remorse and my baby deserves more then that. How could a woman be so cold and callous about murdering their 4 month old baby regardless of the situation. She saw the baby in a ultrasound with it's arms, legs, heart beat, and 4 weeks later, she killed it. I hate her.

Commentary

This guy is in a great deal of pain. He was in a tough spot because he felt powerless. But his current actions warrant some concern. He says he is staying with her just to make her miserable in the long run. But if she has no remorse at this time, he will only be making himself more miserable. It has been our experience that most people, male or female, who think the right decision was made at the time will later come to feel the pain of what they did. Their time will most likely come. It may take months or even years, but it does get to them eventually. She is in a self-defense mode right now. Even if she is regretting it, she can't let that show. If people didn't regret it, there wouldn't be organizations like Fatherhood Forever or Silent No More, etc. Also, she is only human, and people make mistakes. She was misled by our culture that claims abortion is just a simple medical procedure. This is not to defend her choice to get an abortion. It is simply an acknowledgment that she made a terrible mistake and that his anger toward her is completely justifiable. He should use this as an opportunity to prove that he is a better person, not to her, but to himself, by letting go of the relationship if it is doomed, and focusing on his own need to heal from the wounds he now has.

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